Goodbye 2013

2013 what can I say? This year has been full of ups & downs. Tests & trials. Blessing & lessons. New beginnings & endings. & everything else in between. To sum it all up tho, I have really enjoyed this year. I have grown so much that it really has blown my own mind. I have definitely learned some life lessons. These are just a few that I would like to share with you!

Lesson 001:

Let Go & Let GOD

In the beginning of this year, I made it a goal to get rid of some things that hindered my walk with the Lord & things that could hinder my progress period. Being that I didn't have a job in the beginning of the year, I knew that I had to put down marijuana. This was NOT such an easy task at first because marijuana was something I did EVERYDAY. It was my getaway drug that I would go to whenever I needed a "pick me up." So deciding to leave my drug alone was a decision that came with a lot of prayer asking God to just take the taste away from me. I must say, that He eventually did. Super Bowl Night 2013 was the last night that I inhaled marijuana. & because I was becoming closer to the Lord that night that I smoked I felt so bad that I just cried out to Him afterwards asking that He would please help me get rid of this addiction. HE DID IT! February 4, 2014 Lord willing will make a year that I have been clean. I'm very proud to say that. Because not only am I drug free but I am alcohol free & club free. I cut out a lot of things in 2013 that would stop me from going where God wanted me to go. & I am STILL letting a lot of things go also including people. That means friends & people that I associated myself with. I've learned that where I'm going everyone can't go. & it's best that when the Lord starts dealing with you to remove things and/or people it's best to just go ahead & do it when He tells you to! Because He will have His way one way or another.

Lesson 002:

Testing = Blessing

So I've stopped smoking, drinking, clubbing & started to remove people out of my life that were no good for me. After following this young lady on Twitter, she was constantly posting about this Silent Challenge that she was going to go on. I believe in February she did it. She blogged about it & when I read her post I was definitely intrigued. I asked her what it consisted of & she told me, "Disconnecting from social media and any other form of communication that you used in order to let the Lord speak to you & for you to be able to hear Him more clearly." I was definitely wanting to hear from the Lord at this point in my life so I was down for the challenge. I began the Silent Challenge in March & I did it for 28 days. No Facebook, Twitter, and my phone was already off. I wasn't working so I would spend my days praying, worshipping, studying, & writing. During these days, I was CONSTANTLY being tested. I had been learning that everything we go thru is just a test from the Lord. A test of our faith. It seemed that after I learned this bit of information, the test were coming one by one. At the end of my 1st Silent Challenge, God had blessed me with a job! Blessing #1. Now that I was working, I knew that it would be kinda hard to hear from the Lord as I was before when I wasn't working. But I kept my bible on me & would get up an hour early just to listen to Joyce Meyer in the morning before work. One of the people that I had cut off was my ex. The last time I seen him was on my birthday which was in January. He had contacted me & had asked me to come & see him all during the time I was on my Silent Challenge. Every time he called, I passed the test! THANK GOD! (Because it was definitely not with my own strength.) When I started working though, I would run into him all the time. I would talk to him & even rode around with him a couple of times but we didn't have sex. I was passing the test still! I was tested by him, another ex, & even females. God wanted to see just how serious I was about my walk with Him. It was not easy! The old me would've definitely gave in to temptation & when it came to the females talking junk I definitely would've been fighting. But this April was a new creature. I had been learning so much! God was convicting & converting me all the time! & I was happy. It was hard but it was so worth it because in June, God blessed me with a 2010 Nissan Altima that I'm able to pay the car note on. James 1: 2-4 says [Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.] I thank God for His word because it gave me a much better understanding & allowed me to praise my way thru my tests & trials. Not only was I blessed with material things, but I was being blessed spiritually all the time. I was blessed with PEACE, LOVE, JOY! & those things are far more better than anything materialistic that I could ever receive.

Lesson 003:

We fall down.....

So by this time, I am just amazed at God and all that He is doing in my life. He was definitely showing up & showing out. Everything seemed to be going perfectly fine until that one Summer day! So the ex that I had cut off, I was still seeing him every once in awhile when I was around town but by this time I wasn't even talking to him. I remember after going to church one Sunday, some friends & I were having a water fight & he stopped to talk to me & I just dismissed him with the wave of a hand. I thought that I was soooo over him. (I guess not) Because one day, as I was strolling thru his neighborhood showing off in my new car, I saw him & I stopped. & when I stopped I tried to play it off, I was like "Hey, what's up!" & immediately started talking to a mutual friend that we had. He was just looking at me like, "REALLY?" So we eventually started conversing which led to him getting in the car & telling me how he wanted to chill with me & he missed me. After that day, I started coming around more & more and we eventually ended up having sex. (SHOCKING...sikeeee) So here I was at the 6 month mark of being abstinent and I had failed the test miserably! My friends were upset with me, I was upset with me, & I knew God was upset with me. Sinning is such a conscience effort. I mean I honestly knew that every time I was around him, no matter how many times MY MOUTH said "NO" my flesh was screaming, "YES." As Matthew 26:41 says, [⁴¹ “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”] I wasn't watching or praying as hard as I should have been because I fell right into the enemies' trap & laid down there until one sad day. After not talking to him for a couple of weeks, (because I had changed my number) he contacted me thru Facebook. Same lines as always & I fell right for it as always! So that following Monday, I decided to go chill with him for a bit after work. I had a doctor's appointment that day & I started my new job so I decided to go chill with him in my down time. When I went to the doctor that day, I knew that something was not right with my body. So when I was there all I was thinking was that, "I hope I'm not pregnant." (Yes, we were having unprotected sex) The news that I got from the doctor that day, broke my heart worse than the news of being pregnant. I honestly wished I had of been pregnant, instead of having an STD. When the nurse told me, I wanted to cry! It took all of me not to sit in that office & just ball my eyes out. Here I was AGAIN! In a stupid predicament because of my OWN stupid choices. When I left, I went over there to confront him & he actually tried to lie! I was like, "SERIOUSLY!" I was PISSED! But that day, I really had to accept the fact that this man is just not a real MAN. & it's best that I move on. God had way too much in store for me & that was His way of separating him from me without it being way worse.

Lesson 004:

We get up....

After lots of tears & I do mean lots. After several talks with my cousin & other women of God in my life, I was ready to finally let this thing go & move on with my life. God had been way too good to me for me to sit there & let the enemy take away from me everything that I had achieved! I was going to beat this thing. ENOUGH was ENOUGH! Even in my mess, God was still blessing me! He blessed me with a second job that I had been praying for & was now putting people in my life to help me pursue my passion & purpose. A couple of girls that I had worked with & one I went to school with had come up with a non-profit organization called, "Reality of The Chocolate." Now I kinda knew that my purpose was to help young women but I was completely sold on what it was that God wanted me to do. So after talking to one of them & asking if I could be down, not shortly after I was now the 3rd member of ROTC_girls! I was super excited. After our first meeting & getting things established I just knew that this is where I needed to be. God had removed all of the people who no longer served a purpose in my life & had now gave me 2 new sisters to encourage me on my new journey! Not only did I find out my true purpose, I have definitely found my passion. & helping women is definitely it! I was so amazed at how God how turned my situation around in less than a month! I was over-filled with joy & the more I seeked Him the more He continued to manifest Himself in my life MORE & MORE!

Lesson 005:

CHOSEN

I had praised my way into 2013 & I'm getting ready to praise my way out! I praise Him thru the good & the bad. God is so worthy & deserving of all my praise. No man on Earth will look at someone with all the flaws I have still CHOOSE ME! God still chooses me to do His will. He still chooses me to do His work. He still chooses to love all up on me. He still chooses to show His self to me. He still chooses to bless me in spite of me. He still chooses to allow me to be His CHOSEN child! I don't take it lightly or for granted at all. & because He chose to die for me, I choose to LIVE 4 HIM! I owe God my life! & I know that. He could've been done away with me but He hasn't given up on me yet! & forever grateful to be HIS CHOSEN ONE!

Matthew 22:14 14 For many are called, but few are chosen.

For some reason the above scripture was in my spirit & I wondered why. That is a very common verse, you hear all the time but I didn't know what it really meant. So as I read, I see that God was calling all the people to the wedding. & just like us today, so many of them were doing their own things. So when it was time for the wedding to come there was a guest sitting there with no garments on. So the King, asked, "How did you get in here without any garments?" This guest was speechless. So he was immediately cast into the outer darkness. Now "The King" being God. "We" being His guests to the wedding. "The wedding" being Heaven. We all have this open invitation to be apart of this remarkable event. But just like these guests in Jesus' parable some of us won't go because we have our own tasks to accomplish. Now some of us may even be like "the guest without any garments" who was actually the enemy! The reason why he didn't have any garments on was because he wasn't clothed with righteousness. [Ephesians 6:14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; ] When we put on the breastplate of righteousness, it becomes our garment, what covers us. & the deeds that we do thru righteousness are the things that clothe us. See we will be paid by our deeds here on Earth. & your attire to the wedding will be one major way God will pay us. I know one thing, I do not want to have on a shabby, old looking robe! I want an extravagant robe with the finest material covering me! Just as I would for my wedding on Earth, I want my wedding in Heaven to be just as nice! That's why as 2014 comes in, I'm choosing to Live Life On PURPOSE! I was PURPOSED for this! So with each year that the Lord blesses me to see, I'll take the mistakes & turn them into lessons that will turn into blessings for me to bless the next individual!

I pray that as this new year approaches, we all we go into it with a new attitude & aspect on life. If you are still doing the same things in 2014 that you were doing in 2013, I suggest you sit down & re-evaluate yourself & goals. 1st off: GET SOME GOALS! Get a vision for your life. & stop living in the past. MOVE forward & remember it's not about us! It's about JESUS!

 

Dear April,

Dear April,

Wow! Do you remember me? It's me. The old you! It's been a long time. How are you? I know you are doing great. I look at you now & I really can't believe it's you. You have grown so much in seems to be so little time. I'm shocked! You are so beautiful inside & out! God was really showing off when He created you! I know that He took His time creating you because you are so special & unique. He really likes you. I think they call that "FAVOR." That's something you have a lot of. I know you are happy about it. So what happened? What really made you change? Were you tired of doing things your way? Tired of the abuse & mistreatment from people who thought loved you? I know...I was too! You've always been better than that. I'm so glad you've finally realized. I was just patiently waiting 'til you got it! I knew you would one day! I know that God had a lot to do with your change too! Like I said, He really likes you & loves you a lot! He never left you, never gave up, & was always right there when you needed Him most! I love Him for that. He's taking really good care of you. I'm just so glad that you found Him. It's this thing called "PURPOSE" that I've hearing so much about. It's the "WHY?" behind everything that God does & everything that we've been thru. I know for a long time we didn't understand why you went thru so much & faced so much adversity but I found out it's because it was all apart of your PURPOSE! Your WHY for being here! God is so amazing, isn't He? Everything good/bad that you went thru was all apart of His plan. He just wants to get the glory. (You know how jealous He is!) NO ONE can get the glory but Him. & He knows exactly what He is doing when He chooses certain people to do certain things. See everybody couldn't face what you faced & go thru the hell that you went thru because as soon as they got out of it they would've thought they did it with their own strength. But you & me both know that they have to be sadly mistaken because God is the ONLY man I know that can turn a MESS into a MESSAGE! April, you are a true & living witness! I'm so proud of you & all the things that you have accomplished so far!  Wow! Can you imagine what's next? I can't! Remember:

Ephesians 3:20-21  

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I believe that's what God is going to do for your life now April. MORE than we could as or think of! You just get ready & don't forget about me! I love you! ALWAYS 💖

The girl behind the blog...

Hi honey! I would like to start off by saying, "THANK YOU!" for taking the time out to stop by & view my blog. It is greatly appreciated because this is something new & different for me. Today, I would love to give you all a little information about the girl behind the blog. So meet April Latrell...

Born in Fayetteville, NC on January 29,1990. (Team #AQUARIUS.) I was born to parents whom I do not know. Four months later, I was adopted by a family who already had 3 boys but wanted a little girl. So they drove all the way from a little town, called Vanceboro to get 

 this little girl who's name at the time was "Wendy Wright."

4 months old

 They took me home & nourished me into the young woman I am today! For that I am forever grateful for them because I am who I am because of them & the things in life that have shaped me. I bless GOD because I have two parents who are still alive & well to this day. & I now have 4 brothers. The 4th, a little brother in which they adopted just like me! 

Growing up being the only girl wasn't always fun. Especially living with "older parents." (I'm 23 & my parents are in their late 60's.) So growing up, I felt sheltered & on "lockdown" as the crowd would say! I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone with boys, stay at my friends' house or go to the games at school. I felt like I couldn't do ANYTHING (literally). I was always spoiled but to me that wasn't enough. Especially when I was in middle school, I wanted to do what the rest of my friends were doing. Of course, somehow I tried to still find a way, by sneaking on the phone which later turned into me sneaking out the house eventually...(we'll get there soon.) The once so sweet & innocent little girl everyone knew of was now turning into a rebel & a little demon child. (inserts evil face)

8th grade graduation

The summer before my freshman year in high school (the same day as my 8th grade graduation) was the 1st night I took matters into my own hands to experience life. Boy, if I would've known then what I know now. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!! That night, me & a neighbor of mines who was a year younger than me decided to sneak out of the house late one night & go to a friends' house. (A man friend..he was 18 & I was 14 at the time). Now my friend, she put me on to the game because she wasn't new to this but true to this. "This is what she did" (in my Flocka voice). So it was nothing for her to sneak out & teach me her tricks. I will NEVER forget that night. I went out like a "G" but I was so scared I was gonna caught. I went out anyway & that was the night that I lost my virginity. At the tender age of 14, my innocence, self-worth, & value were gone in ONE NIGHT! 

Of course, I kept seeing this guy who I thought I was "SO IN LOVE" with! Not knowing that I didn't have the slightest clue of what love really was. We talked & still saw each other up until one terrible night! Me & my friend snuck out as usual but this time we didn't know that her older brother was watching us as we left. So when we came back that night before we could even pull up in the driveway, the windows of the car we were in were being smashed out with a bat. The driver of the car which was the guy I was talking to speed off in shock! Me & my friend already knowing what was going on were scared as well & felt bad because that night "my guy" was actually driving his sister's car & not his own. Of course, he didn't want to go back to drop us off so he told us to get out where we were. Which wasn't too far from our houses but us being too terrified to walk straight on the street to get home, we ran thru the WOODS! Now me being sheltered all of my life, girl lived by the woods but had never been in them. So that was a whole other experience right there in itself. I remember I had on my favorite black skirt that night & a burgundy long sleeved shirt that was ruffled at the bottom, and some bedroom shoes. "RATCHETT' (But I just knew I was cute when I left out that night.) When we finally made it to my house, my friend went her separate way & I had to face fate. Unfortunately, it was meant for me to get caught that night because my parents were awoke this morning when I got home. My dad had to be to work at 6 so my mom was up cooking him breakfast as she did every morning. I walked in the house & they were shocked of course wondering why I was coming in the house this late. My lie & excuse was that I had went outside to get some fresh air. REALLY, APRIL! But they knew that was a lie by what I had on & the blood on my leg. I hadn't even noticed that my travel in the woods had left me scratched all up (smh). So then you know it was time for the interrogation. They sat me down & proceeded to ask me questions but I still continued to tell my story which was a BIG DUMB LIE! I didn't have to lie anymore tho, when I heard a knock at my front door. It was my friend's brother who had caught us!!! GREEEEAAAATTTTT! I thought..it's about to go down! He came in & explained to my parents what had happened & left. I already knew it was bound to happen but I don't think I was ready (as Kevin Hart would say). ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE that morning & I honestly just felt like I wanted to die. I had received beatings before but this time was different. My dad actually took his fist & hit me in my back. Now I was a skinny thing back then so that hurt a little chick like me! Of course, I was on punishment after that. They threatened to put the boy in jail & just in case I was pregnant I was given the "Plan B pill" and was put on birth control. Life for me had already started changing but life after that was really about to change.

 

Sweet 16 Birthday Party

 So now that I've been introduced to sex, I've been introduced to older guys..hey when I got in high school it was time to make time fly! Boys were my things! I liked boys! They made me feel good about being me. I didn't really have low self-esteem but I thought having a boyfriend "made" ME. So when I meet another guy who was a little older, had a car, & went to a different school than me...you darn tooting I was "on it." I liked him, he liked me so of course to me that meant, "Okay, let's have sex!" Who would've that at the age of 16 little April, "Hattie Mae Peterson's" daughter would be pregnant! I know I NEVER would've imagined that in a thousand years but it happened! Here I was 16 years old..PREGNANT! When I told my mom, I really thought she was gonna take it worse than she did but she was calm for the most part, her & my dad! (SHOCKING) I guess they were so calm because they already had the plan mapped out for what they would do if this happened. It wasn't a choice I made but I choice that I felt at the time I had NO choice but to go along with, which was to get an abortion. At the time, a childhood friend of the family was living with us & she helped my mom make the arrangements. I really didn't know at the time what abortions were about or exactly what the word meant..I kinda just knew that I was getting rid of the baby. I told the child's father & he acted as if he was upset but I really can't say if he really was or not because in the midst of all of this he was seeing another girl who he ended up getting pregnant as well! That ride to Jacksonville was quiet & lonely. I remember me thinking, "I can't believe I'm having to do this." We got there, I went in & filled out the paperwork and sat & waited to go in the back. The childhood friend was there & she was just asking me, "Was I okay?" Of course, I said, "Yes." Because at the time, I thought I was "okay." When it was finally my turn, I just remember laying on the table looking at the ceiling at these butterflies & flowers someone had decided to put there. Going thru the procedure, I really can't say it hurt then but when I got home that's when I felt the aftermath of the pain. Me & that guy ended things not too long after my procedure was done because I found out about this other girl who like I said later on told me that she was pregnant.

2010

So now I've been thru this traumatic thing in my life but for some reason I felt "unaffected" by what had taken place. By this time tho, I'm experimenting with drugs & learning about alcohol and seeing all of my friends be about that life as well. I had already started smoking weed at the age of 16. But I didn't start drinking until about 17. After going thru this horrible experience & the bad break-up afterwards I just wanted to be loved. It felt every person I loved didn't really love me. So in October 2006, I started a relationship with a guy who I gave 5 years of my life to. What I loved about him was that I felt like he was so real. & he was my friend before we became lovers. We talked & talked about EVERYTHING! & October 15 we made it official! By this time, my mother was probably tired of me because I was able to go chill with my bf at his sister's house and she would let us come & go freely. (WINNING!) We would get high together ALL THE TIME & I would be around his family, who seemed to love me to death. We would baby-sit his twin niece & nephew and it seemed like my parents liked him too! It seemed like everything was going just right huh?! WRONG!!! Me & him were both living secrets lives! We went to different schools so it was easy for us to have side pieces! The difference between me & him was all his girls knew about me so they would question me ALL THE TIME & I would give them an answer! (That they didn't like) & after I would confront him..I would end up still messing with him because it didn't matter to me if he did him because I was doing me! What amazes me is that I never got caught! NEVER! If I got caught, it's because I told on myself. I had several different partners while me & him was together in the course of the 5 years but he never knew. We were off & on the entire relationship up until about 2008 when I finally decided I was tired of playing games & I really wanted to be with him. I was tired of the girls & all the other guys so I was like, "Okay for real, for real let's be official!" It seemed like the moment that happened our relationship did a 360 for the worst. (sounds CRAZY...I KNOW) One day after hanging out with one of my homegirls at her house, I met up with my boo in Trent Court. Now, let me tell you...I WAS DRUNK! Me & my friend had been drinking all that day (literally). It was a summer day so why not?! Now, when I got with him he's already mad because I'm drunk, I had been hanging with my friend all day long (he didn't like her) & he was mad at what I had on. (I had on some cut off shorts, a halter top, & my high top Converses..I was cuteee!) Nevertheless, I'm drunk so I'm brushing his anger off..I wanted some loving! But the more he kept trying to argue with me, the more the alcohol was telling me to leave! By this time, it starts raining but me being drunk & mad, I didn't care I just started walking back to my friend's house. Meanwhile, he's walking behind me PISSED because we were both walking in the rain & his cousin was going to give me a ride but I refused. (I was crazy) So while we are walking down this one street, there's some guys out there they knew me & my boyfriend. I was walking ahead of him so when I walked by I guess they were saying things that my boyfriend didn't like. But his anger already being towards me, he got even madder & when we got to my friend's house he started to fight me! I couldn't believe it!!! He had punched me in my back, slapped me in my face, broke my glasses, & walked off like he didn't care! I really was like messed up emotionally behind it. When my friends heard what happened we went back to Trent Court & tried to fight him. Emotions being every where & not wanting anybody to get in trouble over me..we ended up just going back to her house. I was so hurt. I couldn't believe that HE had did that to me. After being together for 2 years by this time, I NEVER would've imagined that to happen. & that was the first time that a man had ever laid his hands on me too besides my father, you know! So that night I was calling him & calling him (yes, you read it correctly!) trying to figure out WHY?! I wanted an explanation for WHY he had hit me! WHY he had hurt me! Why he had acted like he didn't even care! I was confused! I didn't know what to think or what to do. I LOVED HIM I thought...which is why I still stayed. When they say, "What you ALLOW is what will CONTINUE." It is so very TRUE! Because I ALLOWED that behavior to go on that night it continued throughout the relationship & even resulted in me losing a baby! Because we fought & I drank & I smoked & I partied..I didn't have a clue that a child was growing in the inside of me! I was just living! My life was really out of control! The only constant in my life was him! I was basically living with him by now because I never wanted to be home. I didn't want to hear what my mom had to say. I just wanted to live life on my own terms. So on January 27, 2011 (2 days before my 21st birthday) I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't believe it. When I told my boyfriend he said, "He already knew because you were acting crazy." I told my parents & my mom was so happy! She went out & bought a crib and was planning to have a little grandbaby! All of that was short lived because on February 10,2011 I miscarried on my bathroom floor! O God, a night that I will never forget, a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! It hurt physically & emotionally in every possible way. But as always, I picked up & carried on. 

March 2011

Me & him stayed together for about 3 more months until he put his hands on me for the last time in May 2011. This time all it took was a "mush" to the face for me to say, "I'M DONE!" So by this time, WOW! I have changed so much! For better & for worse. I had a new look (I had cut my hair) I was gaining weight & wearing it well! I was in college at Miller-Motte in Greenville, NC for Dental Assisting. Things seemed to be looking up..(seemed). On the outside everything looked good but on the inside I was a mess! I had lost all sense of who I was, my value, my worth, my morals, my pride, & everything! WHO WAS I? I wasn't raised to be that way! I wasn't taught to let men treat me any kind of way! & I definitely wasn't raised to be promiscuous! I needed something & I needed it fast! Drugs & alcohol weren't suppressing the pain good enough..I needed MORE! Now I have been raised in the church but once I became a teenager church wasn't my "thing" anymore. Growing up, my mother made me go to church. But when I became an adult, it became a free-will. So one day, I decided to go to church! This was right after the break-up so of course I was still hurting inside. I sat in church & I just cried! I cried during prayer, I cried during the songs, I cried during the word! I just cried out to GOD that day & during the alter call..I cried my way up to the alter & gave my life to CHRIST! Whewwww...things were supposed to get easier now right?! SIKE! Now let me say, once I gave my life to Christ I was still very much in the world. I still smoked, drinked, clubbed & partied. So GOD wasn't a big part of my life..He was just there! 

May 2011

 "I'm single again, back on the prowl. I thought it was perfect & I don't know how." What, What Go April, Go April! LOL! But seriously, that's how I felt! OMG! SINGLE, ME! I didn't even know what that meant! Being in a relationship for almost 5 years..child, I wanted to breath like never before! Coming out of the relationship, I'm thinking okay..I'm going to just DO ME! NO boyfriends NO strings attached! HA! Now, let me say me & my ex were still cool! I thought maybeeee..we could get back together, ONE DAY! But when I met that tall, cool, brown skinned dude in the Trent Court store on that October day..I was like hmmm...okay! Now being that I was sooooo used to my ex, I was REAL skeptical about talking to somebody else. I didn't really want another boyfriend but at the same time if I was gonna be talking to someone new, I didn't want to waste my time. (if that makes sense) So man, I remember the first night me & dude talked on the phone..he made me smile the whole night! I guess because I hadn't talked to anybody new in awhile, it was just "SOMETHING" about him that had me interested! We would talk every once in awhile & I chilled with him a couple of times after work but it was nothing major in the beginning. So after chilling & talking for some time we decided to start a relationship! (hits self in the head) He had that "talk game" for the girl! He knew my last situation & he PROMISED me that he would never put his hands on me & that I would never have to worry about that! So of course, he had me hooked. & then once we had sex...sorry but OMG! It was something about his sex that had me really gone crazy! He was older than me & I guess that may have had something to do with it but I don't know..he just turned me ON! It didn't take very long for me to be introduced to the family & for me to start staying his house. Now, he was a drinker & party goer so he was def. my kind of dude. One night tho, after leaving the club I was looking for some weed & he told me about this guy he knew. So HE took me to go meet the dude & when I meet him, the dude was asking me for my number & stuff. Now me, not really thinking too much about it, I gave it to him. So when I get back to the car, dude is like, "Why you take so long?" & all this other stuff. So I'm trying to explain myself & the next thing I know, I'm getting my head smacked! WOW!!! Here we go AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really, April! (It's like I was always fighting!!! & I've never really been a fighter, at that time I had only fought 2 girls in my whole life so I didn't understand WHY I was CONSTANTLY fighting dudes!) So here we are fighting, he's driving, I'm crying & in totally disbelief! So when we got to his house, I'm like, "Take me home!" in between tears! But he didn't..he sweet talked me, told me he was sorry, & would never do it again. Blah..Blahh..Blahhh all that other stuff! & me being me..I believed him (Yepppp, I did it again!) & we kept on with relationship as if it never happened. 

October 2011

I never have been a fake! Never pretended a whole lot about things. But after that incident, a faked a smile to everyone on the outside! You would have NEVER known (unless you were close to me) that this man was BEATING on me. I always say, me & my ex before him FOUGHT! A lot of times, I would throw the first punch at him but this guy BEAT ME! I mean, one day he got mad because I saw something in his phone & I said, I was leaving...he straight smashed a cup in my face (something I had done to my ex) hit me in my face, threw me down & kicked me, all while his friend was outside! I was supposed to go to work that day but he wouldn't let me! He took me to a park & basically told me to get myself together or we weren't going anywhere! HOW CRAZY?! Again, I stayed! Now, we know I drink..it's nothing! But I never drunk all the time, every weekend until I started dealing with this dude! He was an alcoholic & had a bottle every weekend. So when we were together, I would be drinking with him. I could handle my liquor to me seemed like better than him tho. One night, I remember us getting drunk at his house & we were just chilling watching a movie. I was playing on my phone & he was playing on his phone so everything was cool right?! Nahhh, I got a text message from my cousin & he automatically assumed it was from a dude. Being that this was not the first time something like this had happened, I automatically got aggravated & was like, "You can look at the phone stupid!" He did & when he gave it back to me instead of placing it in my hand, he launched the telephone at my head! So being that I had already been beaten a couple of times, I kinda already knew where this was headed. I tried to avoid it by going into the bathroom & loocking the door but he just kept saying, "Let me in!" So I did. He drug me out the bathroom & into his bedroom, where he punched me & hit me repeatedly in my face! He hit me extremely hard this time & I just knew something was wrong. I cried to him saying, "Why? Why do you keep hurting me? My face & my head is hurting!" Do you know that he actually laid beside hitting me in the same EXACT spot I was crying to him about! I wanted to die! How could you just hurt a person like that & not feel ANY remorse? He made me go to the store with him where he got me some ice to put on my face. We went back to his house & we went to sleep. What I woke up to the next morning is something that I will NEVER forget! He had BLACKED my eye & I had a busted blood vessel in it! 

October 2011

Out of all the times, I had gotten beat up or fought I have never had a black eye! This was a TRAUMATIC experience for me! Here I am, a beautiful girl walking around with a black eye! I went to work, school, clinicals & everywhere else with that same BLACK EYE! When I came home, my parents were pissed! My friends & what family that knew were PISSED! Everybody was pissed except April! Why wasn't I mad? Why wasn't I on a rampage to kill? Why didn't I want to hurt him back? I just couldn't even be mad at him! I stopped talking to him for a week! & was right back at it! He always knew what to say, how to say it, & when to say it! I felt bad for him more than I did for myself. I saw so much in him that it blinded me to the reality of what he was showing me. I wanted to believe that he loved me enough to change. That he loved me enough to WANT to do better. But that's where I messed up. He had to change for HIMSELF & not for ME! Which is why 9 days before my 22nd birthday he put his hands on me again but for the last time! This night was a night that I can't remember all the way but one that I won't forget. After still talking to him on & off after that last incident, one night I decided to go chill with him. (BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER) He had already been drinking & so before I got there I had got us a bottle & shot. He already had some alcohol so we were drinking all of that! While we are sitting across from each other, passing the bottle back & forth..he proceeds to tell me that he has a child on the way! WHAT?! A month prior to this, we both had just found out that he had a little girl! & that piece of news broke my heart! So to hear, that he got someone pregnant in the course of our little break up, I was devastated! How could he hurt me again? & then ask me to stay! I couldn't..& I told him that! I was just like, "I can't do this anymore!" Now what happened after that I honestly don't know! I remember his mom coming home & bringing us some food. I remember him saying something about going to Ihop. I remember going in the room for something. & I remember being in the Ihop bathroom crying while on the phone with him & him saying that, "I better come out the bathroom!" & I remember a table of people & me going to go sit over there with them! I was so drunk that night that I don't remember leaving Ihop, BEING beaten, WHY I was beaten, WHERE I was beaten, HOW I was beaten or anything. All I remember is getting up the next morning, hurting all over & blood being all over his cover. When I got up & went into the bathroom, I just burst out into tears! My face, my hair, & plus my body was in so much pain..all I could do was cry! His mother gave me a towel for my face & actually tried to console me but she couldn't help me! I went back into his room to look for my phone, I couldn't find anything! I lost jewelry, money, & some of everything that night. But I did find my phone. Before I found it tho, I tried to wake him up to ask him where it was & he actually tried to kick me! Man, I was ready to go! I didn't want my parents to come & get me tho because they had been told me that he was bound to put his hands on me again! They didn't want me around him period. So I tried to get in touch with my god-sister who came & got me. 

January 29,2012

This time I really was seeing that I couldn't do this anymore. It was time for me to get myself together. What was I doing with my life? For my birthday, I planned to go stay in Raleigh with one of my best friends. I had a new look. (I had to cut my hair because of the damage, he had caused) & I had decided that I wasn't going to not drink for awhile. For the next couple of months, I had contact with him a couple of times. Even chilled with him on some occasions but I always knew that it would never be the same. I was afraid to be around him & just couldn't stand to be around him when he was drinking. Even tho, I knew that we could never be together he was still back & forth and in & out of my life. By this time, I had re-connected with a friend of mine who had stopped talking to me because of him. She was in church & changing her life around. & I had started back trying to get my relationship with The Lord back. I went to her church one Sunday, & I just fell in love with it. & I knew I needed The Lord back in my life BADLY! I started going to church with her all the time & had found a hunger & desire for The Lord like never before. I had even thought about joining her church but her Pastor told me, "No, because this could only be for a season." Now I was still in the world because I was still drinking & stuff but this time no matter what was going on in my life, I knew I had a love for The Lord in my heart. I started doing things with the church & just being more active period. & after one drunken night in the club, that ended in me punching a girl in the face over my ex, I decided that I was gonna have to leave drinking alone because it wasn't for me.

December 30,2012

 So I brought in the New Year a New WAY..IN CHURCH! & I had such a good time. It was so refreshing & it felt so good! By February I had stopped smoking & was becoming free! Now after that incident in the club, me & my ex reconnected & had sex on my birthday. After that day tho, I was like, "Okay April, get your life!" I started a new job in March after going thru a silent challenge, where I disconnected from social media & really spent a lot of time with GOD! At the end of it I felt so good! I knew that I had grown so much in just a month. So every other month after that I began to consecrate myself. Now I've fallen some more since my birthday with my ex & even had a rendezvous with my ex before him. But GOD has really changed me! & I LOVE HIM so much for it because I think of how I could've lost my life, how I could've ended up dead & doing nothing! But because no matter how many times I failed him or disappointed him, He still had His eyes on me & loved ME enough to pick me up & help me turn my life around! & for that I am forever grateful! I know that everything that I went thru was not ABOUT ME! But to help some young woman, who is going thru or who has been thru what I've been thru & didn't or doesn't know how to deal! I have a story to tell & I want the world to hear it. I want to inspire, encourage, & push someone to keep going IN SPITE OF! I'm not perfect & GOD is still dealing with me on all types of levels. I recently just finished a class were I've finally dealt with my abortion after 7 years of trying to suppress the pain & memories from it. He is now dealing with me on my value & understanding my self-worth! & as I grow, I want someone to grow with me! This is the purpose of me writing this LONG post (for like 3 hours) & sharing some of me with you! I pray & hope that you'll stay tuned & stay around to experience this journey with me! Thanks for listening!


GOD BLESS!

MY STORY FOR HIS GLORY

Who are you?

Who are YOU?

Posing this question, one might have alot to say like..."Who am I , No who are you?!" "If you don't know who I am, then you better ask somebody!" But if someone came to you & posed this question, what would be your reply? Some may answer with their full name.. & behind that name they may add several titles of "who they are". To society & the world that title may mean alot but to a person of substance & character a title doesn't mean a thing. For my young women today, I ask tho, "Who are you?" Do you even know who you are? Have you tapped into your true identity? Do you know what it means to be you? & do you value YOU? Look inside your heart & ask yourselves these questions. & then look at the women you admire or look up to & possibly ask them the same question..Do they know who they are? If she is a Woman of GOD, a Woman of Character, & a Woman of Integrity..I'm pretty positive that she knows exactly who she is. & I'm sure to say, that who she is, is not defined by society, this world, or a title. So what makes up you? What are your special qualities? What is unique about who you are & what makes you standout? If you don't know..I dare you to find out TODAY! Make it a conscience effort to tap into the very being that you were created to be. & PLEASE honey, when you find out PRECISELY who SHE IS...DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SHARE HER WITH THE WORLD. BE BOLD. CONFIDENT. DARING. B.[YOU].TIFUL

& this message was approved by: SHE